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As the title of the show tells you, Doug is a lawyer turned peacemaker.  Early on in his journey from being a hard core trial lawyer to becoming a healer, teacher, mediator, and peacemaker helearned about the work of J. Kim Wright.  Kim, like Doug, is a lawyer turned peacemaker.

Kim is a cutting edge lawyer dedicated to helping lawyers become healers and peacemakers.  She became a lawyer at the urging of her children and soon learned that the adversarial method of resolving disputes ws destructive and disheartening, for herself and her clients.
 
It wasn’t too long before she discovered the International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers, a newly founded group of professionals looking for healthier ways to assist clients and deal with disputes.  In 2000, Kim established renaissancelawyer.com that grew into 400 plus pages of resources for people looking for help other than through traditional lawyering and legal processes. Today, Kim is a speaker, trainer, mediator, lawyer, coach, and publisher.  Her latest project is cuttingedgelaw.com.  Kim is a mother and grandmother and an inspiration to anyone interested in role of lawyers as peacemakers and healers.

Doug and Kim talk about cutting edge law.  Kim says that cutting edge law has many pieces. In the 1990s, some lawyers were looking for other ways to practice law other than through the traditional adversary system. These lawyers, mostly independent sole practitioners, were unknown to each other. Their practices were based on the idea that the law could heal and repair rather than tear apart.  Money and winning was not the sole reason for a lawyer’s existence.

Kim went to law school in the mid-1990s and came out having sensed a loss of human values.  She looked around and found, to her amazement, that there were lawyers who actually felt like she did.  In 1999, she discovered the International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers and turned towards a journey of moving the legal profession towards healing, peace, and transformation.  In 2000, she started renaissancelawyer.com, which grew to 400 pages of resources for people looking for ways to solve problems other than through fighting.

Doug and Kim talk about the reality that money does not satisfy all needs.  Some people want apology.  Many people become angry when they are ignored.  Kim and Doug talk about Toro Manufacturing Company’s policy of connecting with people injured by its lawn mowers.  That policy led to a dramatic reduction in lawsuits and claims.  Doug talks about a study that that showed medical malpractice lawsuits and claims dropped dramatically when doctors admitted mistakes to patients immediately.  What lawyers are beginng to recognize is that the power of apology is often better for clients than a settlement check and no closure.

Doug reviews The Essential Laws of Fearless by Guy Finley in The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf.  Kim talks about her new project, cuttingedgelaw.com.  This is a resource for law students, lawyers, and people looking for different ways to resolve their legal problems.

Filed under: Divorce, Lawyers and lawyering, collaboration, collaborative law by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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Doug’s guest on the December 4, 2008 edition of The Doug Noll Show is Riane Eisler. Riane Eisler is president of the Center for Partnership Studies and author of the international bestseller The Chalice and The Blade, as well as of the award-winning Tomorrow’s Children, The Power of Partnership, and Sacred Pleasure. Dr. Eisler is a pioneer in the study of complex systems and the recipient of many honors. She is a consultant to business and government on applications of the partnership model introduced in her work and keynotes conferences worldwide.

Doug asks Dr. Eisler about her fundamental work. She tells us that the fundamental question she has studied in her career is, how as a society, do we support our capacity for compassion? Dr. Eisler tells us that she was born in Vienna as the Nazi’s exerted domination power in Austria. Her parents immigrated her family to the slums of Havana Cuba and she was plunged into poverty. As a result of her childhood experiences, she became deeply concerned about the future of the people of planet.

Dr. Eisler tells us that the current political, economic, and cultural categories are useless for creating conditions that support compassion and sustainability area. Thus, she began to recognize two systems of culture: the partnership system and the domination system. In the domination system, caring is devalued. In the partnership system, caring and compassion are two of the highest values. The real wealth of the nation is the contributions of people and nature. Consequently, we must be looking at a full spectrum of economic theory, not just a theory based on exchange.

Doug asks Dr. Eisler about her seminal work, The Chalice and the Blade. Dr. Eissler tells us that the Blade is the metaphor for domination power. Domination power is hierarchical, top-down, and supported by power and force. The chalice is a metaphor for partnership power based on nurturing, and hierarchies of actualization. In a partnership, power, leadership inspires, motivates, and most people to their highest potential. Dr. Eissler’s latest book, the real wealth of Nations, provides a toolkit to orient thought leaders and political leaders to partnership concepts, especially as it relates to economic policy.

Doug asks Dr. Eissler went by she would give to the Obama administration area. Dr. Iser says that family and education must be at the center of economic policy. Good childhood terror is the best long-term investment, that this country can make for its long-term economic wealth. Up until now, political administrations have devalued, child care taking as soft, feminine, and women’s work. However, many studies have demonstrated that the status of women is a better indicator of wealth than gross domestic product. Thus, the nonmarket economy must be attended to, and measured with the current tools available to policymakers. The issue is not one of ability to measure non-market economies, but whether there is political will.

In The Peacemakers Bookshelf, Doug reviews The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, by Philip Zimbardo.

Doug asks Dr. Eisler how people can become involved in helping the Obama administration move from a domination economy to a partnership economy. Dr. Eisler suggests that people go to changegov and ask for the Obama administration to understand our postindustrial economy based on nontraditional values. She also asks that we read The Real Wealth of Nations and use it to start changing the conversation about economic values.

Filed under: Economy, General, collaboration, competitive advantage, leadership, power by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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Peer pressure in school is a powerful force. Kids need and want to fit in and their self-image centers around acceptance from their friends. As we all too painfully know and recall, peer pressure can lead to conflicts and poor decisions by kids. How do we help them navigate through this pressure so that they learn to make good, health decisions without getting stressed out? On the 20th 2008 edition of The Doug Noll Show, Doug is joined by guest cohost Aleya Dao to talk about peer pressure with teens.

Peer pressure is caused by the need to conform in order to be accepted by a group of friends. It is a primal need to fit into a group in order to gain membership, identity, and acceptance. Peer pressure exists in all aspects of life, and teens experience it for the first time in an intense way as adolescents. Doug and Aleya point out that peer pressure relates to a teen’s self-esteem and self identity. In addition, peer pressure relates to being empowered or giving up power to the peer group. If a teenager is not careful about her decisions, she can give up her personal power and succumbed to a group decision. Often, the decisions are not the same decisions a teen would make on his own.

Anna calls in with a question. She is wondering when or if she should have sex with her boyfriend. She has told them that she is not ready and feels some pressure from him. She asks what she should do. Doug and Aleya point out that the decision to have sex with moves a relationship to a deeper level, involves many more motions, and can be complicated by health issues such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Thus, it is a decision that should not be taken lightly. Aleya tells Anna that there is no rush with this type of decision. Doug and Aleya tell Anna at the longer she waits, the better your decision will be. Aleya emphasizes the importance of safety, both physical, emotional. Anna should protect herself at all times, and her decision-making must include whether she will feel safe and protected.

Michael calls in saying that his life is out of control. He has so much going on, that he feels like he is spinning and he senses peer pressure to try to keep up with all of his friends. Doug suggests that Michael try something radical like cutting back on his information overload. For one day, turn off the television, the iPod, cell phone, pager, Blackberry, twitter, the Internet, and all of the other information sources that bombard Michael. This connection will feel disconcerting at first. However, a once you use to it, you will find that your sense of being out of control reverses. In fact, you feel more in control either have the past. Michael says that this would be really difficult, and his friends might think he is crazy. Doug laughs and agrees. He suggests that Michael tell his friends that he is just going to cut everything off for a day or two as an experiment to see what happens. Once the experiment has concluded, Doug suggests that Michael slowly add back information sources to find where his breaking point is. At that point, he can start eliminating information again from his life and regain control.

In The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf, Doug reviews People Styles at Work by Robert Bolton and Dorothy Grover Bolton as a book worth reviewing. This is a book that will give you some useful tools in dealing with people who are different than you are. And, guess what? According to the Boltons, that is everyone. Thus, they set out on a journey to explain how to get along despite a vast chasm of behavioral differences. They admit this is not an overnight project. Awareness and a few tools, however, can go a long ways towards success and happiness in life.The book is People Styles at Work by Robert Bolton and Dorothy Bolton and published by the American Management Association.

Filed under: Children, Communication, Conflicts, Intimacy, Relationships, Self-esteem, peer pressure, self-awareness by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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53% of business people estimate that unchecked egos costs their companies 6 to 15% of annual revenues.
63% of business people report that unchecked egos negatively affects work performance on an hourly and daily basis.
Collins noted in his Good to Great research that two-thirds of the companies that didn’t make the good to great leap were weighed down by the “presence of gargantuan personal ego that contributed to the demise or continued mediocrity of the company.”

When non-productive ego behaviors are a part of the leadership style and organizational culture, there is a significantly increased probability that decision-makers, at all levels, make mediocre and misaligned strategic, tactical and operating decisions that are often times costly. In addition, the behaviors and communication style of ego are counter-productive for employee relations, customer service and culture.

These are statements made by Doug’s guest in a white paper she  published in February 2008.  Ego indeed is a major problem in corporate America, as we have learned during the 2008 financial market meltdown.
What are lessons to be learned here?  What are some solutions?

My guest on the November 7, 2008 show is Dr. Sandy Gluckman. Sandy is a visionary, leadership development specialist, business strategist, author and keynote speaker.  She was born in Johannesburg, South Africa during the apartheid era and has been captivating audiences for many years with her amazing stories of what she learned from growing up in a country that practiced apartheid - and what she learned from Nelson Mandela.  She reveals how living with apartheid gave birth to her book, Who’s in the Driver’s Seat?  in which she shows corporate leaders how to strengthen and focus the courage, resilience, energy and enthusiasm of their employees to deliver extraordinary economic performance.  

Sandy holds a PhD in clinical psychology and has post-graduate studies in organizational behavior.

I ask Sandy about her personal journey and how it led her to the work she is doing today.  Sandy tells us that growing up in apartheid South Africa, allowed her to witness firsthand, the effects of arrogance and egos in leadership.  She saw, what ego driven leaders could do to harm people.  She dedicated her professional life to studying ego and its effect on leadership in the workplace and in relationships.

Sandy tells us that humans are born with an essence, which is lost through the process of socialization and personalization.  Genuineness and authenticity are not approved by most cultures so children develop the need to seek approval from others by conforming to social norms.  Thus, when there is a moment of a sense of threat or fear, we revert to defensive ego driven behaviors and lose self-awareness.  This changes behaviors and causes conflict, poor decision-making, and disrupted personal relationships.
Heather called to ask Sandy how ego affects health, specifically in terms of weight.  Sandy says that ego driven behaviors arise from low esteem.  People eat and drink in these situations to fill the emptiness they feel within.  Thus, ego driven behavior can lead to increased weight gains as people search for that which they intuitively feel they have lost.

I ask Sandy how easy it is to move from an ego driven behavior to self-awareness?  Sandy says that some people simply cannot move there.  Many others could move to a higher degree of self-awareness if they are approached gently, gracefully, and humbly.  The problem is that most people do not have the skill set or the language to understand how to be self-aware.  Thus, the first step is to explain the difference between ego driven behavior and self-aware behavior.
Christie called to ask Sandy how to deal with a boss that makes all of her colleagues and herself feeling inadequate.  Sandy points out that we cannot change other people’s ego driven behavior.  The secret is to be authentic ourselves and not to allow our own ego defensiveness to get in our way. I point out that this takes a lot of courage and practice.

Brad called in to say that he held a leadership role in IT company.  The current economic situation has depressed his team.  He asks what he can do.

Sandy says that one tool to get people into room to create a shared vision or dream relevant to that team.  Brad asks, what if the team feels jaded?  I ask more questions and Brad explains it.  The team does not feel listened to by senior management, and therefore is not feeling valued.  I tell Brad to consider standing up for the team by being a panic himself with senior leadership.  In addition, some suggest that Brad could be authentic with his own team to demonstrate the behaviors he is seeking.

Heather called back with another question about ego and self-awareness in the home.  She stated that some friction had arisen between her and her husband, now that she was a stay-at-home mom, and no longer bringing in a paycheck.
Sandy answered Heather’s question by stating that when there is tension between two people, ego is in the way.  She suggests that Heather and her husband, in a moment of quiet, ask each other.  How does your ego show up?  And then ask each other how does my ego, when it shows up, affect you?  Finally, say what you love most about your partner’s spirit and self-aware being.  I talk about being in a Buddha bubble as the same type of technique.  In the Buddha bubble, one holds a place of complete self-awareness, non-defendedness, and love, while his or her partner is able to express, say, or act out any emotions or feelings in the moment, even if directed to the person in the Buddha bubble.

Filed under: Bad leadership, Bullies, Condescending people, Conscious Peacemaking, Egotistical people, Fear, Incompetent, Intolerance, Relationships, Self-esteem, Uncaring people, bigotry, difficult people, discrimination, leadership, organizational conflict, prejudice, racism, self-awareness by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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Abuse of power is an all too common problem.  From everyday abuses to horrible human rights violations, abuse of power seems to surround us.  What causes people to abuse their power?  What can we do to advise and help leaders be wise and compassionate rather than abusive.  What can we look at in choosing leaders?  My guest on the October30, 2008 The Doug Noll Show is an expert on power and on helping people deal with power abuse.

Judith Barr has been a depth psychotherapist in private practice since 1975. She is passionate about helping to heal and transform the planet and is committed to making a difference one-by-one and on a global scale.

Judith has earned an M.S. in Counseling and licensure as a Mental Health Counselor in Florida, New York, and Connecticut and has published a life-changing book, Power Abused, Power Healed, as well as an audio series, The Spoken Word on Behalf of the Feminine, and more than three dozen articles for both professionals and the general public. She offers her healing expertise in an array of formats, including working with individuals, groups, workshops, and consultations. In addition to this she offers training and supervision programs for healing arts professionals.

I ask Judith how power abuse develops.  Judith explains that the tendency to abuse power really starts with deep wounds formed in childhood that are never healed.  These wounds are unconscious and drive people to gain power, then abuse it out of a misguided attempt to protect themselves.

Judith distinguishes between “here and now” feelings and ancient feelings.  The “here and now” feelings are immediate reactions to what’s going on around us.  Ancient feelings, on the other hand, are those that arise from the depths of unconscious.  Ancient feelings tend to be powerful and often stronger than the situation calls for.

I ask Judith what advice she would give to the next president if he asked the question, “I’m about to have more power than I’ve ever had, but I do not want to abuse it.  What do I do?”  Judith says that the first step in learning about power is the willingness to explore one’s inner world.  This exploration, or inner work, develops wisdom, understanding, compassion, and humility as a leader confronts the dark side of his or her nature.  Power abuse arises in leaders who are unwilling to venture inside themselves.  As a result, their reactions are unconscious and often unbalanced.

Judith and I also talk about Judith’s book, Power Abused, Power Healed, which is based on the ancient fable The Emperor Has No Clothes.  Judith believes that truth is the antidote to power abuse.  That is, people must be willing to call power abuse for what it is and hold leaders and people in power accountable to themselves and their followers.  If accountability meant no more than preventing spin, plausible denial, or lying, much abuse of power could be minimized or prevented.

Filed under: Abuse, Bad leadership, Bullies, Condescending people, Egotistical people, Fear, Inner peace, Intolerance, Office Politics, Reactivity, Triggers, Uncaring people, difficult people, discrimination, leadership, organizational conflict, power, prejudice by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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The covers of Time and Newsweek have described parents as living in “mayhem” and “madness” with their children. TV’s Supernanny regularly captures kids wildly, unbelievably out of control. How did our families get to such a state?  Peacemaking begins in the home and if kids are out of control there, what can we expect in school and later in careers and workplaces.  Dr. Beth Grosshans, a clinical psychologist and author of the newly released book Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm, is here to help us gain the power to restore peace and dignity with unruly and out of control children in ways that do not involved spanking or abuse of power.

Dr. Grosshans is currently in private practice in Princeton, NJ, where she works with children, adolescents, and families. She received her Masters and Doctoral Degrees from The Ohio State University and completed her Clinical Internship at Children’s Hospital Boston and The Judge Baker Children’s Center of Harvard Medical School.  Dr. Grosshans provides consultation to Montessori school personnel and parents as a child behavior specialist.
 
In her 16 years of practice, Dr. Grosshans learned that the common denominator of parental descriptions of chaos within families, centered around the concept of power.  When kids had more power than their parents, the imbalance of family power led to incredible dysfunction.  Amazingly, Dr. Grosshans learned that when parents reasserted leadership and brought back power to themselves, all of the bad behaviors and symptoms of the children went away.
The power ingredient in family dynamics is not well understood. Dr. Grosshans tells Doug that power is a positive force.  Kids are hardwired to want power, to test what it is, and to figure out what gives them influence in the world.  Typically, the quest for power in children is initiated by the mother child relationship.

Dr. Grosshans and Doug’s talk about five core aspects about power in the family.

• Parents are naturally and inherently more powerful than their children.
• Kids are hardwired to seek out power.
• Kids resist what they need the most, guidance, leadership and restraint.
• Families are always a hierarchy — they are not democracies.  The parents must always be on top.
• No matter how smart or precocious kids are, they do not use power well.

The central question is, how do parents get past yelling, screaming, and threatening to reassert power over children.  Kids learn that their bad behavior is a powerful trigger.  This is an unconscious process.  Most kids are not intentional or malicious when they are acting out their power struggles.  The key for parents is to understand that a child cannot lead a parent out of an imbalance in family power.  The parent has the sole responsibility for reestablishing power in the family.

Dr. Grosshans talks about a five step process that she calls The Ladder.  The the first three rungs of the ladder are:

• Making A Friendly Bid for Cooperation.  This is done by asking a child to do something or stop doing something in a tone of voice that is nice, and invites cooperation.
• ”I Mean Business ” reminder.  If the child is not comply after Rung 1, Dr. Grosshans recommends that the parent change the tone of voice to a much more firm stance.
• In The Bedroom.  In this third step, parents must move from words to action.  In this case, a parent would, for example, move close to the child, and escort the child to a bedroom.  The problem is the parents rely too much on talking and reasoning to elicit cooperative behavior.  Children are simply incapable of responding rationally when a power struggle is in play.

The last two rungs in the ladder are:

• Shut The Door.  This step is used when a child is resisting a timeout or is disobedient and wants to run out of room.  The child is restrained without physical force, but by simply shutting the child in.
• The Parent Hold.  When child is really acting out, the conventional wisdom of parental guidance says to walk away.  Dr. Grosshans tells Doug to do the opposite.  Approach the child approached a child with love and pull him or her close and a loving embrace.  Hold the child until she calms down.

Understanding power, and the five aspects of power will help parents regain peace and harmony within their families.
 

Filed under: Children, Creating connections with children, Dealing with fights, Disciplining peacefully, Family, Peacemaking, Teaching peace to, Uncategorized by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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Defective and dark leadership is the single most pressing problem facing humanity.  In Corporate America, over 65 percent of the managers and leaders are incompetent, defective, or badly flawed. A higher percentage exists in government. The costs are staggering and one only has to look at the financial market melt down of the past months to understand the enormity of the problem. Here are the links to the show segments:

My guest on the October 16, 2008 edition of The Doug Noll Show has spent 30 years studying leadership and its dark side. Robert Hogan is an international authority on personality assessment, leadership, and organizational effectiveness. He is widely credited with demonstrating how personality factors influence organizational effectiveness in a variety of areas - ranging from organizational climate and leadership to selection and effective team performance.

Dr. Robert Hogan received his Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley, specializing in personality assessment. Dr. Robert Hogan is the author of more than 300 journal articles, chapters and books including his latest book, “Personality and the Fate of Organizations.” His website is hoganassessments.com

Robert and I begin by understanding leadership through the lens of evolutionary psychology.  Leadership evolved in humans as a way to come together for a short time to accomplish a common goal.  Thus, humans became hard wired genetically to form social, hierarchal groups with leaders in charge.  The most effective leaders were humble, supported the group and its goals, and was not self-aggrandizing.

With the development of agriculture about 12,000 years ago, Robert describes the rise of the kleptocracy, which persists today.  This is a class of leaders that rose to high status through power grabs, political maneuvering, technical competence, and raw luck.  Once high leadership status was achieved, this class ahd no difficulty stealing from the groups it was leading.

Leadership, as Robert sees it, is the ability to build and maintain a high performing team.  Over time, this team will compete well against other like-minded teams.

I asked Robert about the percentage of bad leaders.  Robert says that 50 to 75 percent of the current managers and leaders in the United States are incompetent.  This base rate of bad management is astounding, but has been well-established in empirical studies.  Bad and defective management and leadership is the primary cause of employee dissatisfaction, turnover, absenteeism, product shrinkage, and sabotage.  Robert tells us that the defective and incompetent leadership causes huge losses to shareholders and business owners.

A caller asks Robert and me about charismatic leaders that drive companies and institutions into the ground.  Robert laughing says that the way you spell charismatic is narcissist.  Charisma is not an attribute of good leadership.  However, charismatic people who are defective leaders nonetheless attract followers, build a political base, and appear to be competent.  Only after they have taken over leadership, do we learn that they are truly defective and incompetent as leaders. 

Robert also tells me that what people consider as leadership strengths can be weaknesses if over used.  Likewise, strengths that are under utilized can be weaknesses. One of the keys to leadership is understanding followership.  Followers are always asking, “What’s in it for me?”  Leaders have to pay attention to followers.

The four fundamental leadership behaviors are integrity, decisiveness, competence, and vision. Without these behaviors, no one can expect to assemble and maintain a powerful team.

Robert talks briefly about his business, which is leadership assessment.  Through the various assessment tools delivered through the Web, his company can quickly profile the leadership attributes of applicants to leadership positions.  In addition, he assists companies in identifying their up and coming leaders and providing tools to groom those people for higher leadership.

Robert points out that the need of leadership has never been greater.  He says that if a dart is thrown at a world map, the likelihood is that the dart will land on a country or region that suffers from defective and incompetent leadership.  The economic, social, and environmental cost is too great to continue to ignore.

If you are undecided about the presidential choices and want to make a decision based partly on leadership qualities, listen to this show.  Hogan and I will give you some insights about good and bad leadership qualities.  You can make up your own mind between Obama/Biden or McCain/Palin after that.

Filed under: Bad leadership, Followership, Incompetent, Principles, leadership, organizational conflict by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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Fighting among children is not new. Nevertheless, there is an epidemic of cruelty among school children. What is this about? What can be done to slow it down? How do we teach children to resolve conflicts peacefully? How do we give them the values peace, collaboration, and cooperation? And how do we do this while empowering them to make good choices and judgments about their relationships with peers and adults? These are tough questions and Doug’s guest on the September 25, 2008 edition of The Doug Noll Show gives us some answers.

Naomi Drew is recognized around the world for her work in conflict resolution and peacemaking. She is the author of six widely used books. Her landmark book, Learning the Skills of Peacemaking was one of the first to introduce peacemaking into public education.

“Peaceful Parents,” Naomi’s on-line newsletter, has a broad international readership. The Kids’ Guide to Working Out Conflicts, the latest of her six books, was honored with four national awards including the National Parenting Publications Gold Award for Children’s Resources.

Naomi talks about an epidemic of cruelty sweeping through the school systems. Recent surveys show that 80 percent of middle school and 75 percent of primary school kids say that kids are mean to each other on a consistent and persistent basis. This epidemic is relatively new and seems to be caused by chronic stress and fear and by media emphasis on violence, cruelty, meanness, and sarcasm as being cool ways of dealing with conflicts. To a kid, meanness and sarcasm look cool and hip.

Doug and Naomi talk about reactivity as a central cause of conflict. Naomi teaches a technique to kids she calls Stop, Breathe, and Chill. The idea is to rehearse situations where you might be put down, treated cruelly, or disrespected and practice being less reactive. Naomi teaches kids how to replace angry thoughts with calm thoughts.

Doug and Naomi talk about how violence creates a perception of power, but has the opposite effect. Violence actually takes power away from the offender.

Doug asks Naomi about bullying. In the survey research, 40-50% of the kids said that bullying is a serious problem. Naomi tells Doug that bullying causes depression, is related to suicide, and has been linked to the school shootings of the past 10 years.

Naomi believes that schools must adopt and enforce an anti-bullying culture. Essentially, kids have to be taught to be kind and compassionate with each other. Doug and Naomi talk about how important teachers are in modeling kindness, compassion, and non-bullying behaviors.

Doug asks Naomi about cyber-bullying. Naomi says that this is hugh unintended consequence of instantaneous communication. Through cell phones, text messaging, social network sites, cell cameras and the like, kids can catch other kids in embarrassing or stupid moments and broadcast that to 50 or 100 or an entire school in seconds. All kids are now highly sensitive to the fact that anything they do or say can be turned against them. This is breeding a new form of fear and paranoia among kids. Naomi talks of as a Lord of the Flies mentality as kids armor themselves against bullying and embarrassment.

The challenge is to teach kids not to respond tit for tat. Kids subject to cyber bullying have some options open to them.

Doug asks Naomi about the difference between a bystander and an upstander. Naomi teaches kids how to intervene in bullying and effective techniques for defusing difficult social encounters.

Filed under: Bullies, Bullying, Children, Cruelty, Meanness, Teaching peace to by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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As a mediator and peacemaker, I find the most challenging conflicts to involve deeply self-absorbed people. Clinically, these people are described as overt maladaptive narcissism.  Sometimes, I see it in one or more of the parties; sometimes I see it in the lawyers that may represent the parties.  You have probably come across narcissistic people in your work and perhaps in your relationships.
 
My guest on the September 18, 2008 The Doug Noll Show is one of the leading experts on narcissism.  Wendy Behary is the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and The New Jersey Institute for Schema Therapy. She has been treating clients and training professionals for more than 20 years.

 
Wendy has a specialty in treating narcissists and the people who live with and deal with them. She has lectured both nationally and internationally to professional and general audiences on the subject of narcissism and how to deal with difficult people. Her work with industry has included speaking engagements focused on interpersonal conflict resolution.

Wendy describes narcissistic people as those who are grossly self-absorbed.  They feel an exaggerated sense of entitlement, believe that the rules do not apply to them, are condescending, vain, tend to show-off and be the center of attention, and are always looking for an audience.  What’s interesting, Wendy says, is that most of this behavior is unconscious.  In other words, most narcissists have no awareness of their behavior.  And, if you call it out, they are deeply offended and often angry that they are being criticized.

A caller describes her husband as insulting and demeaning.  He is overly sensitive to criticism.  Wendy suggests that the caller take an inventory of what tools, techniques, and conversations have not worked.  Write these down and think about what you are doing that is not working.  I point out that dealing with narcissists sometimes requires drawing clear boundaries.  This creates a two-choice dilemma for the narcissist: accept the boundary or accept the consequence of no boundary, which should mean the end of the relationship.  However, you have to be prepared to be vulnerable and to accept the choice.

Wendy describes the causes of narcissism as rooted in childhood development.  It arises from children who are over-indulged and spoiled and from children who experience conditional love based on performance criteria.  For example, strict parents who praise only for good grades or sports achievement will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself or herself for emotional soothing.

Another caller says that he might have a narcissistic girl friend.  She always wants her way and has no tolerance for the caller’s desires, needs, or wants.  Wendy asks him, “What is silencing you?  Why are you not speaking up about your needs?”  She observes that this is a common problem in relationships with narcissists—that people are afraid to call out the truth for fear of the storm of conflict that will follow.  Wendy suggests that the caller simply ask for a turn at life, such as “Would you be willing to go to this movie with me?”

Wendy says that the narcissistic population breaks down along gender lines 75% men and 25% women.  Narcissistic women tend to be focused on issues of vanity and martyrism.  Dealing with narcissists requires that you investigate your feelings and reactions to them.  Many times, narcissists trigger us in ways that are teaching us what must shift within ourselves before we can have compassion for them.

Wendy describes empathic confrontation as a process of learning as much as you can about yourself, then about the narcissist and how he or she triggers you.  With that understanding, you can listen deeply and empathically.  Finally, you can insist on boundaries and accounability.  Narcissists can change if they want to.  However, you must work on yourself and not count on change from the narcissist in your life.

The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf

On this show, I did something I have never done before—I reviewed a book written by my guest, in this case, Wendy Behary.  The book is Disarming The Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed.

If you are in relationship with some who exhibits the traits of a narcissistic individual, read this book.  It offers a practical tool kit for dealing with the emotional challenges of someone who cannot relate to us—the narcissist.  In the early chapters, Wendy gives the reader a solid understanding of what narcissism is and what it isn’t.  She distinguishes clearly between overt maladaptive narcissism and healthy adult narcissism.  The reader gains a deep appreciation for how wounded and fearful these people are and why their behaviors, while disruptive and provocative, are really cover-ups for deep shame, fear, and insecurity.

The key to dealing with narcissist people is to understand your self. When you can identify your triggers associated with the self-absorbed person, you are well on your way to developing strategies for finding inner and outer peace.  Wendy gives you the tools for developing this awareness, with particular emphasis on learning mindfulness—the ability to be aware of everything and certain of nothing.

Disarming the Narcissist is an important addition to my Peacemaker’s Bookshelf because so many of the lessons and techniques are applicable in other types of conflicts and fights.  It is a gem of a book, easy to read, and well worth the investment.  The book is Disarming The Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary and published by New Harbinger Publications.

Filed under: Bullies, Children, Communication, Condescending people, Conflicts, Egotistical people, Inner peace, Martyrs, Narcissists, Reactivity, Relationships, Self-absorbed, Triggers, Truly loving, Uncaring people, difficult people, listening by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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In any economy, change within an organization can be challenging, and let’s face, downright stressful.  Conflicts seem to emerge out of the woodwork and chaos reigns.  Now add on a recession and an economy heading downhill, if not off a cliff, and the problem of change intensifies.  Maybe its downsizing or consolidation or loss of a customer base—whatever it is constitutes change.  The problems of adapting ourselves to these changes can be staggering, not only for the rank and file, but for the leadership as well.

My guest on the September 11, 2008 edition of The Doug Noll Show is an expert on change and is here to give some insights about what change is about and how we might constructively deal with it when it comes knocking at the door.

Dr. Billie Blair is an organizational psychologist and president of the LA-based change management consulting firm, Leading and Learning, Inc. She earned her Ph.D. in organizational psychology from Claremont Graduate University dual master’s degrees in management and clinical psychology from San Diego State University. She completed her postdoctoral study in organization and management at Harvard University. Her research area is the study of Chaos Theory for a Relationship to Management Practice.

We talk about the application of chaos theory to change management.  Billie observes that the smallest movements can effect huge changes.  Thus, corporate leaders must pay attention to the small things.Billie’s approach to change management is to start with the leadership team and go through a complete strategic analysis.  After goals have been set, the change plan is rolled out and adjusted along the way.

Conflicts around organizational change drive clients to consultants.  Billie tells us that leaders contemplating change or in the midst of uncontrolled change must pause, examine the immediate past history, and contemplate future goals.  This is the strategy building process around which change management can occur.  The key to selling change in the organization is building trust.  People must see a positive outcome and see their particular role in the future vision.  When people are in conflict over change, which is frequent, their relationships with their superiors and their role in decision making must be examined.  Often, these are out of balance and the true source of the conflict.

Billie warns of change without conflict—it almost always indicates a deep problem that is not being surfaced.  The challenge, she tells us, is that managers are programmed to have smooth operations.  Therefore, they are conflict-averse to the point of suppression because of fears it will make them look bad.  This is embedded in corporate culture and presents huge challenges when change is underway.

The Peacemaker’s Bookshelf

The book I picked for this review is Suing for Peace by James P. Kimmel, Jr.  Kimmel is a lawyer, who like me, began to question how the justice system served the greater good.  His book shows us why seeking justice through the court system does not lead to peace or happiness and makes conflicts worse.  It’s not because lawyers or the judicial system is bad; it’s because the system is not designed and never has been intended to dispense justice in the way that we commonly think about it.  Kimmel has discovered a connection between spirituality and legal outcomes that says this:  The more we seek justice through the adversary system of the courts, more bitter and spiritually impoverished we become.   Winning an argument, a lawsuit, or a war at the expense of our emotional and spiritual well-being cannot be considered a victory by any measure. 

Filed under: Communication, Office Politics, Relationships, change management, chaos theory, leadership, listening, organizational conflict by dougnoll (Check me out!)
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